To be a Republican nowadays you have to believe concurrently that:
1. Jesus loves you, but shares your deep hatred of homosexuals, gay marriage, gun control advocates, conservationists, animal rights activists, and Barack Obama.
2. “Support our troops” means backing old white men who have no qualms about sending other people’s kids to die in wars we can’t win in countries whose people hate us for being there.
3. The best way to restore growth and prosperity to the US economy is to fire your workers and outsource everything possible to Asia.
4. Venture capitalists who makes millions of dollars slicing and dicing companies and loading the unlucky ones with so much debt that they have to declare bankruptcy and cease operations cannot possibly continue to create jobs unless they get huge tax breaks and pay at an average rate of 14% or less; otherwise, they won’t be “incentivized” to go on making millions while transacting important business on the golf course.
5. Being a lesbian, petty thief, or drug addict is a sign of moral degeneracy unless you’re the daughter of a conservative politician, investment banker, or extreme right-wing radio host. Then it’s either laudable or an illness for which the appropriate remedy is prayer, not punishment.